Tags: friday night fights

Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 12

Yeah, I know, internets, I’ve been away for awhile. I’ve been really busy with work, camping, more freelance work and other real life pursuits.

Plus, I’m kind of shell-shocked from the industry at the moment. Hell, I’m still mourning DC's loss of Mr. Chuck Dixon who was single-handedly making a lot of lackluster ideas readable.

Not to mention a number of other ham-handed moves by my favorite comic company.

Which has had an unforeseen side effect: my buying—and looking forward to—more Marvel comics than I have since I was 11.

That’s weird. And man, it burns my nut-hairs so bad.

Get this: I might even go back home to the X-Men after a nearly 20 year ban on the title. It’s a strange, strange world we live in. If you need to know why I'd do such a thing, set aside an hour and get some of this in your eardrum. That Mark Function is a charming SOB.

Anyways, most of you didn’t come here to listen to me whine; so let’s fight about it...


Tonight’s Card:

DC

versus

Marvel


In this corner we have a pair of titanic teens to the tune of Roy “Speedy” Harper and Richard Jonathan “Robin” Grayson scratching it out over who gets to KO the badguy du jour in a classic issue of the Teen Titans.


Moral: Never Roshambo with the Boy Wonder.

In this corner, we have young Jack Power getting acclimated to his brand new gravity powers. Let no mutant massacres or overbearing older brothers put this angry young man down.

A lesson Arclight finds out the hard way.


Take that Alex!

Winner: You, the reader!


I couldn’t stay away from the ring for long, especially not for the last of the Classic bouts. Bahlactus demanded it!


I’ll be back internets. I’m just reassessing some aspects of my fandom and how best to present it in blog form. No worries.

I’m starting to forgive the industry. Hell, some parts have never been better; others haven’t been worse since the mid-1990’s. I’m disappointed in both sides for several things and proud of each for others.

All-told I’d still rather give my money to DiDio than Joe Q. If you’re wondering why, check out a great panel with DD and a few other top names (note a stark lack of Marvel) speaking frankly about the state of comics, here.

By frankly, I mean, fanboys need not apply. It’s about the nuts and bolts reality of running a damn comics company. Not for nothing, but that’s where Dan shows that he’s good at his job, even if he’s out of his fucking mind.

Cheers internet, enjoy the break between fights and my minor sabbatical. See you in the funny papers.

Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 9

In light of my growing appreciation for the first hero of the Silver Age, Captain Comet (also my derision toward Geoff Johns and his love of superheroic dog-piles) in my recent reviews; I thought I’d take this opportunity to highlight a truly inspired brawl of modern classic comics’ history.


Tonight’s Card

The Golden Age

versus

Dan “Dynaman” Dunbar


We join the fight already in progress...

Most of the major hitters have taken a swing at Thomas N. Thomas’s former sidekick and been put out to pasture.

Green Lantern, Starman, Hawkman and even Johnny Quick have already had their clocks cleaned and pockets turned out by the erstwhile Dyna-Mite.


“And I’m pitty! I’m tho pitty!”

It looks like the former All-Star has this all buttoned up and dressed for church.

The Golden Age wasn’t filled with over the top superpowers the way the science fiction inspired Silver Age will be. Is there no one left to stand up to the new breed of atomic Übermensch?

What's this?! An 11th hour dark horse jumps into the ring.


If it bleeds it leads.

Who is this mysterious gentleman stepping into Daniel’s overpowering grist mill?

What brave unknown?

What powerful pugilist?

Whoever he is, we can see he's still not enough to take down the personification of this bold new age.

But wait! While Dunbar's attention is focused on the daring derring-doer another occulted contender takes advantage!


“You’re terminated, fucker.”

I don't believe it! I just don't believe it! The champ is down!

Winner! In the voluminous khaki trunks: Elizabeth “Liberty Bell” Lawrence!

…also the future Captain Comet there for not eating that schoolbus.


Gott en Himmel it’s Bahlactus!
Seriously, if you’ve never read James Robinson and Paul Smith’s Golden Age, you’re doing it wrong. I could scan a hundred panels and still not capture the face-melting rawesome therein.


Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 8

According to my lovely wife: it was irresponsible of me not to even mention the death of her favorite character in my reviews.

“But you don’t even believe he’s dead.” I said. “Nor do I” I said some more.

“Don’t you sass me or you’ll get the hose again.” She said, meaningfully brandishing the hose in question.

“How can I make this right?” I conceded.

She folded the hose and snapped it like a belt. “Friday *snap*. Night *snap*. Fights *snap*.”

A single, fat tear carved a path across my cheek. “Fuck yeah.” I whispered.


Tonights Card:

J’onn “Martian Manhunter” J’onnz

versus

An Early Career Retrospective


(I apologize in advance for the poor quality. These Showcases are a bitch to scan… I mean, this old footage doesn’t hold up well).

In his earliest years, J’onn was a lover, not a fighter. Far more often he would rely on a weird array of powers to solve problems. All of which were precluded with the nebulous “Martian” descriptor. Martian breath, Martian vision, Martian sense of rhythym and, of course, Martian fists. Y’know, in case you forgot where he was from*.

However, as J’onn became more acclimated to Doctor Erdel’s strange new world it became clear that to survive in a world where fire and violence flowed like fiery, violent wine, he would occasionally need to dole out some knuckle-flavored justice.



He quickly made a name for himself among small time crooks and gangsters. Foiling robberies with his Martian cleverness and the occasional round of Martian pugilism. So good, many crooks gave up after a mere panel of J’onn’s lessons from the Martian book of hard knocks delivered.



Concerned for his loss of private life and interference with his day job, J’onn took to becoming invisible in order to beat up crooks. His Martian martial arts were so unlike anything Earth crooks had ever experienced they were known to jump to wild conclusions regarding the unseen force interrupting their plans.


This group of anti-Quixote’s fight windmills they can’t see.

Such as windmills and other unlikely comparisons which drove home how alien our verdant fighting chum truly was. Nobody ever confused either of the Invisible Kid’s for cephalopods.


“Or a whole gaggle of octopussesesiis, boss!”

Must be, champ. Must be.

J’onn made such a name for himself beating up logic-leaping mooks that the Bahlactus Boxing Federation thought to cash in with a number of gimmick fights.

For instance when J’onn fought the MGM lion.


"Eat it, Leo!"

This fight proved a mild success, but the BBF pressed its luck too far when J’onn was billed to fight two lions.


J'onn knocked the fungi-puff stuffing out of them.

It was a laughable bout at best. The fight was less than profitable and J’onn protested the ill treatment of the animals.

A little known postscript involved J’onn paying to send one of these lions to University where it pursued its Bachelor in the soft sciences.

Seeking a quick recovery, the Federation got J’onn back to his roots. Fighting sharp-dressed gunsels. Not wanting to take a step backward, the Federation still had a few tricks up their sleeves to unveil.

For instance when J’onn fought a collection of supermooks.


The thing they forgot: He's J'onn J'onnz, bitch.

J’onn was on his way to the big “leagues.” He began cultivating a rich, storied rogues gallery such as the Human Flame, the Human Squirrel, and other Human-themed villains.

That list wouldn't be complete without mentioning the immortal, Mr. Moth.


Just when you thought it was safe to make fun of Killer Moth.

Let’s all be clear, J’onn dizzied the badguy with his own Moth-themed lightbulbs using some made-up Martian whammy and socked him in the jaw.

Mmmm, that’s good Silver Age right there.

Soon after, J’onn would gave up solo fighting and became much more of a team player as a founding member of the esteemed Justice League of America. As a member he mostly blew.

It would be many years before he dusted his knuckles off and returned to the ring.



And finally tonight on BSPN Classic something a little more recent:

The Manhunter From Mars:
J’onnathan J’onnz

versus

SHAZAM’s Champ:
Captain Marvel


Appropriate for FnF Classic, young William has been subverted by the Grey Man. Who you gonna call when the Fawcett City Thunder rains down?

The choice is a no brainer.



Trading blows with the Mighty head of the Marvel Family wears on a body, but not on a mind as sharp as J’onn’s.

He may look down, but he’s never out.



Say goodnight, Billy.

Not even Earth’s Mightiest Mortal can stand up to the raw power of our Red Neighbor’s Sole Survivor.


It takes more than that to end the reign of Bahlactus, the smoovest alien overlord we’re e’er gonna get.
Credits remarkably uncredited for most of the above. The last bits are, of course, the dream team at the law offices of Giffen, DeMatties & Maguire.




Sarah’s rendering of Sarah’s favorite character:
J’onn loves Oreos and America apparently.

*True story: I’m hacking away at the keys and my wife is waxing thoughtful from the couch. She interrupts as politely as she knows how and asks—straight-faced "What planet is the Martian Manhunter from?"
Not J’onn J’onnz. Not the green guy from the Justice League cartoon. What planet is the Martian Manhunter from.
Was it possible she thought he only hunted men from Mars. But came from some hitherto unmentioned orb? Maybe she thought he just called himself that as a red herring. Or b/c his actual home was way lame, and Mars was a leg-up.
Regardless it only took her a moment of the stupidest silence she’s likely to experience in this lifetime, before she said—without missing a beat—“shut up.” Unfortunately, I refuse to let her live this down, despite J’onn going on to be her favoritest character ever.

Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 7

There were more posts planned for this week, but things exploded at work, my lingering Young Justice anger died down, and I’m not quite sure how to address the internets' irrational hatred of the otherwise fun and fabulous Indiana Jones.

So let’s just get to the fighting and call it a week.

With my newly discovered love of an indy comic, let’s shout out to the indies this week with comic book: “singer/songwriter”: Terry Moore of Strangers in Paradise.


Tonight’s Card

Katina “Katchoo” Choovanski

versus

David Qin


When we join our contenders David has just evidenced the worst timing ever by interrupting Katchoo’s much-coveted make-out with best friend and otherwise straight roommate Francine Peters.

Also he turned out to be the brother of Katchoo’s psychotic ex crime-boss/girlfriend. So, there are trust issues.

Trust issues which can only be hashed out in the rain.



David, David, David. With a sister as evil as yours you should know better than to set a girl up with a line like that.



Yup… should’a seen that coming.

This one looks over before it started kids. Any last words, Ms. Choovanski?



Now, now dear. No regrets.


Who loves’em, leaves’em, and never regrets punching them out on the front lawn? Hells yeah, Bahlactus!
Words and Pictures: Terry Moore


Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 6

In celebration of Captain Britain getting a new series and/or dying and/or getting thrown bodily through the Siege Perilous to come back as a ninja supermodel, I figured I’d reach back for a different kind of classic.

Marvel UK represent, bitches.


Tonight’s Card:

Brian “Captain Britain” Braddock

versus

Byron “Kaptain Briton” Brad-Dhok


Mix a drunk Steve Rogers with the Tick and you’ve got Captain Britain.

Now do the fistful of requisite drugs it takes to understand what’s going on in any given issue of this landmark series. With or without the Technet.

We catch up with our hero as he returns home to find himself… literally.


“Not on the wine!”

Ahh, the Marvel Universe, is there nothing that can’t be solved with fisticuffs?

You've gotta’ admit that’s awkward: coming home only to find you’re already there... and better dressed.


“Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?*

Winner… um, Captain Britain of Earth-616?

Wrong, fanboy!

Kaptain Briton of Earth-794! Read it and weep:


“Dude, I have got to quit drinking, this isn’t even my dimension.

White Queen Opul Lun Sat-Yr-9’s poppet takes home tonight’s prize.

If you think it’s creepy being replaced by your Omniversal counterpart. Imagine one that keeps trying to make time with your sister. Ewww.

Don’t worry about Betsy though. She might not be a ninja supermodel yet, but she gets hers…


Fatality!

That’s how they do things at the Braddock Estate.


What’s the matter Yank? Didn’t think they thugged-out like that across the pond? You’ve never been to a football match then, have you?

Every Earth, every time, it’s Captain Bahlactus to you, punk.
Written by Jamie Delano, drawn by the always awesome Alan Davis.
*Heh, that joke’s good two weeks in a row.


Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 5 + Yo’ Mama Week Rap-up

If I was really smart I’d have some Mother’s Day fight lined up to finish off Yo’ Mama Week…. Well, I don’t know how smart I am, but I can bring you Addie Wilson’s boy fighting a fleet-footed orphan.

Yeah, let’s do that.

Tonight’s card:

Joseph “Jericho” Wilson

versus

Richard Jonathan “Nightwing” Grayson



We all know I’ve had some problems with Nightwing lately. But what better way to show my deep and abiding—mother-like—love for the character than dragging out old pictures that show him in a less than flattering light.

Remember back when our boy was just coming into his own?

Fresh out of shortpants and making new friends, like the wife and son of his obsessive arch-enemy?

Back when it was okay to dress up in disco collars or blond muttonchops… while you announced your name in your own specialized font?


“This was supposed to be my coming out party, now it’s a double?”

Let’s face it, the real question is how are these two ever going to settle who’s the bigger queen?

It looks like they’re already well into the formal wear portion of the Miss Closet-Gay America competition, and it’s a dead heat from where I’m standing.

Maybe a good old fashioned staring contest will settle this?


“Must… quit… you.”

If I’m any judge, I’d definitely say Joey is pulling ahead. Somewhere between his Admiral of the Rainbow Navy outfit above and now he “has” Nightwing with a stare.

But Dick is like Hilary Clinton, in it to the bitter, a-mathematical end.

Afterall, he’s Nightwing now! This is his moment.

He’s all growns up and out from under Batman’s shadow. So much so, he dressed up in blues and yellows and named himself a synonym for bat!

Smart money’s on Master Grayson, he’s sure to win a physical joust!

Ding, ding, ding!


“Why you hittin’ yourself? Why you hittin’ yourself?”



Well who saw that coming? Dick apparently suffered a violent moment of homo-panic and gay-bashed his own self!? This is why they play the game, ladies and gentlemen.

Winner by KO:
Addie Wilson’s boy!

She must be so proud.

Both of you back to your corners and don’t be such a poor loser, Dick. Turns out neither of you are gay, it’s just the 80s.


Collapse )


You know who loves his Mama but never hits himself?

If you guessed Bahlactus, advance to the next round.
First appearance of Nightwing (as Nightwing) and Joe (as Jericho) brought to you by Marv Wolfman and George Perez. Two bad mothers in their own right.


Friday Night Fights: Classic Round 4

The time is upon us once again blogosphere!

The time to dance the dance of a thousand fists known as:

Friday Night Fights!




Tonight's card:

Aqualad Garth

versus

Ocean Master Orm


(and Croneys)


Earlier this week we were saying Aqualad gets no respect. Let’s see if a turn in the ring can’t up his Q rating.

We find the young man fresh from the ocean depths and jumped by several shadowy figures in service to Aquaman’s archnemesis: Ocean Master.

You think the lad is going to be able to step up and fight like a man?


“I’d recognize that frog-eyed… duck-billed… helmet-hat anywhere”

See this is what I’m talking about right here. You see Garth on the ground outnumbered four to one and you think: What the Hell is Aqualad gonna do, right?

Well let's put it to the test.

No looking ahead.

Will Garth:

A) Tear at his dark, lovely ringlets in indecision.
B) Scream like a school of fish just swam by.
C) Wet himself and blame it on the ocean.
or
D) Spring into Aqua-action with a kick to the face.




If you chose D) you know Garth better than Amy Wolfram.


“Tell your land lubbers, they're weak sauce, Orm.”

Listen to Garth here, looming large and looking down on surface dwellers. A good 20 years before Arthur was recast as a jerk with a hook hand, Garth was cutting his teeth with a little racism and two boots of righteous fury.

With moves like that I suddenly like him in this fight.

I say he takes out the trash in eight moves.


"Friday's Special: Fish knuckle sandwich with a side of slaw."

That's where crime in Garthtown takes you? Nowhere, man. Simply nowhere.

It only took him five. Is that man enough for you?


You know who’s 100% Grade A Beefcake? Bahlactus.
Teen Titans #28, Story by Steve Skeates, art by Nick Cardy


Friday Night Fights: Classic Round 3

En memoriam for my New God brothers who didn’t make it!!

I mean brothers literally, of course. Sibling rivalry, Fourth World style!

Now with extra exclamation points!!!

Let’s review the card:

The Main Event:

Orion!!

Versus

Kalibak!!!


We join our fight already in progress!


Few things are as lonely as having to chant your own name.

No kicking, scratching, hitting below the belt, Omega Beams, Astro-Forces,
or Beta-Clubs... ah, screw it, commence'ta getting it on!!


Poor Kalibak, no one can predict the fickle workings of King Jack!

What's this?! A ringer! The silent runner, Black Racer sneaks into the ring!


Does the Ski Pole of Death count as a foreign object?

Kalibak might be bearded carrion, but you don’t see him hawking kills
like the Vietnam Vet cum embodiment of death here.



Winner and still champeeeeen: Death on Skis, the Black Racer!

Who saw that coming?



Les Nouveaux Dieux sont morts, vivent les Nouveaux Dieux!


Words and pictures by the unestimable: Jack Kirby!

New Gods, Old Gods, there’s only one who devours all: Bah-lac-tus! Bah-lac-tus!

Friday Night Fights: Classic!!! Round 2

It’s been too long,
I gotta get back in that ring.
Put ‘em up, put ‘em down…

DING, DING, DING!


Tonight’s Ticket:



Hank “Hawk” Hall

versus

A Peaceable Assemblage of Hippies!


Nothing says Friday Night Fights: Classic like Judge Hall’s boy violating the Right to Assembly with his two buddies: Right Jab and Left Hook!


Peace, piece? See what he did there?

Is anyone really that surprised Hawk went on to be a badguy a couple times over?



You know who’s not surprised? The man who smiles everytime a Hippie takes it to the jaw: Bahlactus!!
Words by Bob Kanigher; Art by Nick Cardy


Friday Night Fights: Sucka Punch Round 5



It’s another one of those weeks where this will be a no-frills entry. Just a fat punch to the dome. So, to make up for it, here’s one of my favorite sucker punches in recent memory.




The Main Event:

Forerunner

versus

Jason Todd

versus

Donna Troy





Now, I’m sure we’re all conflicted about this panel. I mean, shit, someone is about to wipe Jason Todd off the map… again. We’re human, it’s natural to have these feelings.

You know who doesn’t have those feelings -- and doesn't mind sneaking freaky chicks from other earths?

My main girl, Donna “Sucka Punch” Troy:


Honest Abe cries a granite tear everytime he sees two girls fighting.

That’s because she’s a dyed-in-wool hero. A sucka-punching, mean right hook throwing hero.

She hit that freaky space-broad so hard it took two pages to take it all in. More than that, she hit her so hard….


”Awww, I thought she would’ve been a five-skipper.”

She skips across the mother-effin’ Reflecting Pool...


R.I.P. Garden State

And then smashes through New Jersey’s grave!

That’s my girl!




Countdown #45 Written by Paul Dini w/ Jimmy Palmiotti & Justin Gray
Art by J. Calafiore.

Bahlactus only knows how to count down from Ten. It’s all he’s ever needed to count you suckas out!