grebok_sod (grebok_sod) wrote,

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Up yours, bub.

I hate Wolverine. Hate him. Fuck Wolverine with Elektra’s left sai. There is only so much structural weight one character can take and Wolverine weighs in at approximately 20 tons too much. He is the worst example in all human history of ten gallons of crap being stuffed into a 5-gallon bucket. He has had more annotations put under his name than Jesus.

Below is a short list of what They would have you believe about Wolverine:

A Sickly Little Rich Boy.
A Mutated Wolverine (okay, only in his earliest Hulk appearances, but it bears noting)
A Mutant.
A Miner.
A Noble Savage.
A Civil War Veteran (1866, not 2006)
A Beserker.
An Amnesiac.
A Canadian
A Canadian-Hater (see LivingBetweenWednesdays)
A Canadian Soldier.
A Canadian Secret Agent.
An American Secret Agent.
An American Soldier.
A Mercenary.
A WWI Vet.
Weapon X.
A Product of Weapon X.
A Ninja.
A Samurai.
Accepted as Japanese.
A Gaijin.
A Gangster.
A Thug.
A Recurring Brood Host.
An Operative of SHIELD.
An Alpha Flighter.
An X-Man.
An Avenger.
His Regenerative Abilities Have Brought Him Back From A Single Drop Of Blood, Which Flooded Him With All The Power Of The Universe.
The Black Widow's Martial Arts Teacher When She Was Little.
Old Friends with Cable. Or Enemies. You had to be there. (“And no one was, since it was all made up, so...” -hza)
The Best He Is At What He Does. (Can you narrow that down, Logan?)
A Loner With a Heart of Gold Who Habitually Cavorts with 15yo Girls.
The Worst Non-Character Ever*.

I have vague recollections of his being involved with British Intellegence, circa Pete Wisdom. I can’t confirm that, but I believe it.
He infiltrated the Shi’ar Imperial Guard but was never a member in good standing.

A little shocking all written out, isn’t it?

It used to be possible for Wolverine to be written well, Claremont made his living doing it. Otherwise, I defy you to name the last time Wolverine was written as one believable individual**. I like Whedon’s Wolverine as much as the next guy, but he’s all-but flatly denying the above list (see also: Kyle Rayner can be written well, but only if you’re not Ron Marz).

Otherwise, utter dross. Yet somehow, EVERYbody seems to love this guy. Comics fans and non-Comic fans alike. What is it they aren’t understanding? I take small solace that most of these knuckle-heads are also self-described Gambit or Bishop fans, and/or collected all the Death of Superman as their only foray into comics, and are largely not worth talking to.

This isn’t post-adolescent Marty talking, either, I have a long-standing hate for Wolverine that started in the late 1980’s. Right around when they introduced Omega Red was when I finally threw my hands up and said I was done for good. B/c the man has 800 arch-nemeses on top of all this other crap! See, you only get one***.

Much thanks to the hza for his additions. As we discussed the Good Old Days, he brought up this gem:

“There's bits, within the first year of Kitty Pryde in comics,
where Kurt and Logan tease Kitty for destroying the Danger
Room. It's weird to read it now, because it's hard to picture
Logan A) teasing anyone in a playful manner, and B) hamming
it up on top of it (throwing his hands up in front of his face
to protect himself from the "tiny terror"). It's very natural Kurt,
but Logan should just be smoking and drinking a beer in the
background (that he opened with his claws).”-hza

Now that’s good Wolverine.

*Some of the above are redundant, but I stand by them as separate annotations at their time.

**I submit the first two movies as good Wolverine, b/c it was the character boiled down to the essentials without any of the baggage. He was just an angry amnesiac.

***This isn’t exclusive to Wolverine (Prof X comes to mind), or even Marvel, but it’s ham-handed and stupid all the same.

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