“But you don’t even believe he’s dead.” I said. “Nor do I” I said some more.
“Don’t you sass me or you’ll get the hose again.” She said, meaningfully brandishing the hose in question.
“How can I make this right?” I conceded.
She folded the hose and snapped it like a belt. “Friday *snap*. Night *snap*. Fights *snap*.”
A single, fat tear carved a path across my cheek. “Fuck yeah.” I whispered.
J’onn “Martian Manhunter” J’onnz
An Early Career Retrospective
(I apologize in advance for the poor quality. These Showcases are a bitch to scan… I mean, this old footage doesn’t hold up well).
In his earliest years, J’onn was a lover, not a fighter. Far more often he would rely on a weird array of powers to solve problems. All of which were precluded with the nebulous “Martian” descriptor. Martian breath, Martian vision, Martian sense of rhythym and, of course, Martian fists. Y’know, in case you forgot where he was from*.
However, as J’onn became more acclimated to Doctor Erdel’s strange new world it became clear that to survive in a world where fire and violence flowed like fiery, violent wine, he would occasionally need to dole out some knuckle-flavored justice.
He quickly made a name for himself among small time crooks and gangsters. Foiling robberies with his Martian cleverness and the occasional round of Martian pugilism. So good, many crooks gave up after a mere panel of J’onn’s lessons from the Martian book of hard knocks delivered.
Concerned for his loss of private life and interference with his day job, J’onn took to becoming invisible in order to beat up crooks. His Martian martial arts were so unlike anything Earth crooks had ever experienced they were known to jump to wild conclusions regarding the unseen force interrupting their plans.
This group of anti-Quixote’s fight windmills they can’t see.
Such as windmills and other unlikely comparisons which drove home how alien our verdant fighting chum truly was. Nobody ever confused either of the Invisible Kid’s for cephalopods.
“Or a whole gaggle of octopussesesiis, boss!”
Must be, champ. Must be.
J’onn made such a name for himself beating up logic-leaping mooks that the Bahlactus Boxing Federation thought to cash in with a number of gimmick fights.
For instance when J’onn fought the MGM lion.
"Eat it, Leo!"
This fight proved a mild success, but the BBF pressed its luck too far when J’onn was billed to fight two lions.
J'onn knocked the fungi-puff stuffing out of them.
It was a laughable bout at best. The fight was less than profitable and J’onn protested the ill treatment of the animals.
A little known postscript involved J’onn paying to send one of these lions to University where it pursued its Bachelor in the soft sciences.
Seeking a quick recovery, the Federation got J’onn back to his roots. Fighting sharp-dressed gunsels. Not wanting to take a step backward, the Federation still had a few tricks up their sleeves to unveil.
For instance when J’onn fought a collection of supermooks.
The thing they forgot: He's J'onn J'onnz, bitch.
J’onn was on his way to the big “leagues.” He began cultivating a rich, storied rogues gallery such as the Human Flame, the Human Squirrel, and other Human-themed villains.
That list wouldn't be complete without mentioning the immortal, Mr. Moth.
Just when you thought it was safe to make fun of Killer Moth.
Let’s all be clear, J’onn dizzied the badguy with his own Moth-themed lightbulbs using some made-up Martian whammy and socked him in the jaw.
Mmmm, that’s good Silver Age right there.
Soon after, J’onn would gave up solo fighting and became much more of a team player as a founding member of the esteemed Justice League of America. As a member he mostly blew.
It would be many years before he dusted his knuckles off and returned to the ring.
And finally tonight on BSPN Classic something a little more recent:
The Manhunter From Mars:
Appropriate for FnF Classic, young William has been subverted by the Grey Man. Who you gonna call when the Fawcett City Thunder rains down?
The choice is a no brainer.
Trading blows with the Mighty head of the Marvel Family wears on a body, but not on a mind as sharp as J’onn’s.
He may look down, but he’s never out.
Say goodnight, Billy.
Not even Earth’s Mightiest Mortal can stand up to the raw power of our Red Neighbor’s Sole Survivor.
It takes more than that to end the reign of Bahlactus, the smoovest alien overlord we’re e’er gonna get.
Credits remarkably uncredited for most of the above. The last bits are, of course, the dream team at the law offices of Giffen, DeMatties & Maguire.
Sarah’s rendering of Sarah’s favorite character:
J’onn loves Oreos and America apparently.