grebok_sod (grebok_sod) wrote,
grebok_sod
grebok_sod

Friday Night Fights Classic: Round 5 + Yo’ Mama Week Rap-up

If I was really smart I’d have some Mother’s Day fight lined up to finish off Yo’ Mama Week…. Well, I don’t know how smart I am, but I can bring you Addie Wilson’s boy fighting a fleet-footed orphan.

Yeah, let’s do that.

Tonight’s card:

Joseph “Jericho” Wilson

versus

Richard Jonathan “Nightwing” Grayson



We all know I’ve had some problems with Nightwing lately. But what better way to show my deep and abiding—mother-like—love for the character than dragging out old pictures that show him in a less than flattering light.

Remember back when our boy was just coming into his own?

Fresh out of shortpants and making new friends, like the wife and son of his obsessive arch-enemy?

Back when it was okay to dress up in disco collars or blond muttonchops… while you announced your name in your own specialized font?


“This was supposed to be my coming out party, now it’s a double?”

Let’s face it, the real question is how are these two ever going to settle who’s the bigger queen?

It looks like they’re already well into the formal wear portion of the Miss Closet-Gay America competition, and it’s a dead heat from where I’m standing.

Maybe a good old fashioned staring contest will settle this?


“Must… quit… you.”

If I’m any judge, I’d definitely say Joey is pulling ahead. Somewhere between his Admiral of the Rainbow Navy outfit above and now he “has” Nightwing with a stare.

But Dick is like Hilary Clinton, in it to the bitter, a-mathematical end.

Afterall, he’s Nightwing now! This is his moment.

He’s all growns up and out from under Batman’s shadow. So much so, he dressed up in blues and yellows and named himself a synonym for bat!

Smart money’s on Master Grayson, he’s sure to win a physical joust!

Ding, ding, ding!


“Why you hittin’ yourself? Why you hittin’ yourself?”



Well who saw that coming? Dick apparently suffered a violent moment of homo-panic and gay-bashed his own self!? This is why they play the game, ladies and gentlemen.

Winner by KO:
Addie Wilson’s boy!

She must be so proud.

Both of you back to your corners and don’t be such a poor loser, Dick. Turns out neither of you are gay, it’s just the 80s.




Enough of all this hooray-for-moms drivel. What a mindless celebration of a station neither elected nor appointed. And comic mothers? By god, they’re the worst sort.

In honor of our Friday Night Fighty attitude, I bring to you:

Top 10 Deadbeat Moms of the DCU


#10 Princess “Kory ‘Starfire’ Anders” Koriand’r


I know what you’re saying: “No way is Kori a mom”.

Au contraire fanboys. Back when she was marrying our naïve Richard J. Grayson, she got herself all knocked up with the baby of another.

I even have rare footage of the conception right here.

(Women and children should probably turn their heads, this is not for the weak of stomach if you know what I mean):



That’s right! Raven knocked Kori up with a Trigon seed.

A Trigon seed which turned out to be Good Raven. “Golden Raven”. You’ll remember her as the one who never showed up except when someone needed a ride to heaven or some-such crap.



Starfire went on to take absolutely zero ownership of this seedling soul child and Raven was more or less written as dead for the interim.

Oh sure, she’s got a new body now, but look at her: She’s all Goth and using her “other” mother’s name. Cries for help don’t get much louder people.

Let’s see if that gets brought up in Winnick’s Titans.


#9 Karen “Power Girl” Starr


AKA the story so stupid I can’t even find any scans online for it.

Back in Zero Hour: Crisis Through Time, Power Girl became mystically pregnant by her kind-hearted non-grandfather and gave birth to “Equinox”.

Equinox, who grew into a man, bonked some nonsensical villain over the head and was never heard from again. The whole process took, like, five issues from conception to abandonment, that has to be some sort of record.

I mean, what kind of parenting is that? Granted, I whole heartedly agree the whole thing is beyond retardiculous. I would do my level best to deny it too.

But a card? A little “thinking of you”? It never hurts is what I’m saying.


#8 Jade “Cheshire” Nguyen


Jade has not one deadbeat kid, but two! For that reason alone she should probably trend higher on this list. First there’s everyone’s favorite pog, Lian Harper.

When she’s not too busy running around with mommy’s other friends, the Ravens, she’s blowing up fictional countries. I suppose all that jail time and genocide keeps her too busy to break off a little time for her bastard daughter.



That’s real cool, Jade, tell your kid she’s a cage why don’t you?

Next thing we know she’s rubbing up on Catman like… well, a cat in heat really.

She sells out the whole Secret Six to the Society and makes off with Blake’s little swimmers all up in her. Presumably hoping to replace the kid who’s death warrant she just signed by turning coat on Mockingbird.

Nice one Jade. You put most of our other deadbeat mothers to shame with your unabashed self-centered egoism.



That’s alright sweetie, you’re probably still better off than your half-brother, Tommy Jr.





#7 Dr. Amanda Blake “The Wall” Waller


That’s right, the Wall had a daughter. Gave her up at age 16.

This gets reiterated, a lot.



Odalys Milagro Valdez, aka Havana who had a hand in the non-Task Force X designated Suicide Squad until the Sins of the Mother came to roost and she was killed by Rustam II.



It’s a shame these two never got it together before her death.

Let this be a lesson not to waste all your time correcting each other’s grammar or Floyd Lawton will be avenging your childrens’ deaths.



Life’s too short.

… holdon, phone’s ringing.



I take it all back. I have made a tragic error. A miscalculation.

Dr. Waller is a fine upstanding woman who couldn’t possibly have an adult daughter—classified or otherwise—as she’s not a day over 28.

(Please don’t hurt my family).


#6 Imra “Saturn Girl” Ardeen


Oh that’s right fanboy! I’m coming for your deadbeat mom of the future!

“B-but, Imra was never a deadbeat mom” you find yourself saying—Oh yeah?

Than explain the giant “mental-lightning” throwing man-baby, Validus!



If you believe that Darkseid snuck one of two babies out of her telepathic womb, then you’re denser than Thom Kallor’s poop.

How did she not see this coming? She mated with a Winathi boy, a race almost exclusively comprised of twins. Not to mention the ability to telepathically commune with her pre-natal children, at least enough to know there was more than one in there.

Beyond that she’s been fighting him for years. You mean to tell me she never noticed Validus has her nose and daddy’s lips:



Garridan “Validus” Ranzz is flat abandoned to his giant see-through brain-plated fate by the Legion’s #1 badass over there.

If that’s not bad enough, Imra all-but gives both her kids away. One to Darkseid, and one to Time Trapper for crying in the rain.


Like sand in an hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives.”

It’s a lucky thing she didn’t have triplets, she’d run out of cosmic level arch-villain baby sitters—oh wait, Mordru! Squeeze another set out, Mrs. Ranzz, you finally know what you’re getting Starfinger for his birthday.

Still think Imra’s a stand-up gal do we? For that matter where’re her kids now?

Threeboot? I don’t even know what that means, fanboy. They’re probably abandoned in some alleyway thinking it’s okay to “own” girls. You show me the kids and I’ll take it all back. Until then, the little deadbeat from Titan can bite me.

She totally knew I was going to say that.


#5 Dinah Laurel “Black Canary” Lance


Considering how estranged Dinah is from her own mother, certainly she would jump at the chance to embrace her nurturing side and raise a martially-trained daughter of her own to forbid from becoming a hero, right?

I give you Sin! … that’s her name. What did you think I meant?



Dinah was handed the chance to reconcile her past while moving ever forward in the form of the daughter she never had.


Not a lot of sarcasm in Indo-China, huh?

The daughter Ollie just had to fake the death of to save her from the never-ending flood of soldiers the League of Assassins would send for her. Really?

I think eventually they’d run out of patience and foot soldiers. I mean, it’s Black Canary protecting her… and presumably the entire Arrow family.

And then there’s Sin herself.


That poor, defenseless little girl.

You’re sure you wouldn’t feel safer holding onto her?

And let me get this straight… we’re taking parenting advice from Oliver Queen? Oliver “Shut up Junkie” Queen. Oliver “Connor Who?” Queen.

Good thinking. Nothing says “Daddy’s busy” like cloistering your child to a remote temple. Great choices, all, Dinah.


Connor passes the torch to the next neglected generation.

Shame on the happy couple for the cycle of abuse they’re guilty of perpetuating.


#4 Selina “Catwoman: Kyle




Ah yes, the troublesome Helena Kyle-Bradley herself.

The baby who kick-started a fantastic year of storytelling only to be given away at the end of it. What’s more, Selina even attempted to get Zatanna to mind-wipe her (again) to make her forget she ever had a daughter.

... and would instead be forced to assume she just got really fat and really skinny in rapid succession to account for the stretch marks and widened hips.

Alright, I’ll grant you, the kid was pretty much in constant danger.



But I mean, c’mon, you had Batman, Robin, Ted Grant, and/or Slam Bradley around to caretake the little tugger.

Or, y’know, you could’ve actually stopped being Catwoman. I’m just saying, no one is forcing you to dress up like a cat and run around Gotham being morally ambiguous.

You could probably even talk yourself into that nice big manor on the hill and sleep in a big comfy bed every night never having to want for anything again….


“On Earth 2 this would be our baby. Jealous?”

Nah, child abandonment is the better route. Good call.


*

I expect Sin and Helena to come back in about ten years.

Sin will be a smack-addicted whore with AIDS. And Helena will be a molested hooker from the slums of Gotham. With no one to blame but their Moms.
*True story, I got misty just turning to this page to scan it and couldn’t bring myself to scan the whole thing. It’s just that good. Thanks again for not buying Catwoman and getting it cancelled… assholes.



#3 Stephanie “Spoiler” Brown


Did her kid ever get a name? Stephanie Jr.? Fetter? Anything?

Whatever her and dreadlocked dead-beat Dean’s daughter’s name, it barely matters since Steph didn’t waste a second giving that sucker right up for adoption to the DC puppy farm or wherever these kids end up.



Seriously, of all the records being set in bad parenting here today, Stephanie might’ve had the longest running plan to abandon the child first thing. Oh sure she waffled a little for show.



But let’s face it, adoption was always the plan.

Just another troubled teen delivering her own cycle of abuse. Seriously, didn’t any of these similarly neglected souls even consider the best thing for their kids would be, I dunno, keeping them and showing them some love? Oh well, at least she has some follow-through, which is more than I can say for most 15 year olds.

Here’s another kid who will show up as a supervillain in ten years, tops. You mark my words. In fact, we have no proof who’s wearing the purple hood in comics right now, for all we know it’s dark future Stephanie Jr. come to wreak havoc on us all.

You heard it here first.
For the record: I actually applaud Stephanie’s story for not demonizing teen pregnancy and showing that adoption is a much harder decision than it sounds.



#2 Kate “Manhunter” Spencer


Let’s look in on Ms. Self-Important Big-City Prosecutor:



Ah yes, the too-busy-to-remember-your-kid defense. Real original, Kate, you are everything wrong with Jim Carey in Liar, Liar and more.

I don’t care how many gay friends you have to bolster your Q rating, it’s tough to dig yourself out of the deadbeat mom hole.


“Sooo… you, um, you banging chicks yet, or…?”

Alright, so Kate might not count as a dead beat mom, so much as a less-than-great mother. But she has tried to give up Ramsey a few times “for his own good”.

Yeah, I’m hearing a lot of that on this list.

Maybe she has a case. Afterall, remember when she killed him?!



Alright, but that didn’t actually happen.

Enough with all this child abandonment for their own good, crap. So your kid found your power staff in the closet? Every parent has to deal with that eventually. Just explain its “Mommy’s little battery holder” like everyone else.

… oh… not that kind of “power staff”. My mistake, sorry.

Despite Kate’s shortcomings, we’re going to give her credit for more or less shaping up despite herself. Which is head and shoulders above anyone else on this list.




Now, the big question: Who is the ichi ban big-time dead-beat mother of the century…

Did you guess it?


#1 Queen Hippolyta of Themyscira


Sure, everything started off so well.



But these two have been on the wrong foot ever since Diana put on a domino-mask and competed in the Lesbian Olympics for the right to be Wonder Woman against her mother’s wishes.



Their relationship was on-again/off-again long before Polly rose from the dead and invaded America to free her daughter (and upon discovering her daughter was already free, continued the invasion anyway b/c they’d already gassed up the war elephants).

The burden of failure in this relationship is all on Hippolyta. While it might be too harsh to classify Polly as a deadbeat, she’s certainly heaped her share of issues on her darling little mud baby. I mean really the list goes on and on with these two and they never seem to be on the same page. Remember the Artemis incident?

Or when she hid Diana’s black sister from her?



And when she got herself killed by the Imperiex? A long way to go to avoid paying a little child support. All I’m saying.

Really, Polly is the winner for both quantity and quality.

Winner, and still champeeeeen for 66 years of questionable parenting running: Hippolyta of Themyscira!



You know who loves his Mama but never hits himself?

If you guessed Bahlactus, advance to the next round.
First appearance of Nightwing (as Nightwing) and Joe (as Jericho) brought to you by Marv Wolfman and George Perez. Two bad mothers in their own right.


Tags: amanda waller, black canary, catwoman, cheshire, classic, friday night fights, hippolyta, jericho, manhunter, nightwing, power girl, saturn girl, spoiler, starfire
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