The Main Event
Katherine “Kitty” Pryde
For the Final Round of Friday Night Fights: Uppercut, I bring you one of the finest fights of the modern era. Written by one fanboy for the rest of us, is one Katherine Pryde showing off how she inspired a generation of little boys to look up to girls kicking ass.
Warning: Fists in Mirror May Appear Smaller Than Actual Size.
Bonus Post-Fight Wrap-Up Panel
”We really have run out of names.”
God Bless you Joss Whedon. And God Bless you Kate Pryde.
Astonishing X-Men by Whedon and Cassaday.
Even Wolverine’s first teenaged girl sidekick knows Always Bet on BAHLACTUS.
In a game of “I Never”!
Two oft misguided super-geniuses. One keg. One embarrassing party game.
Two men enter. One man leave.
Lex Luthor is traditionally thought of as an evil genius, and phenomenal waste of talent. Fancying himself the spokesman for mankind, Lex proclaims a vitriolic hatred for Super-people in general, and Superman in specific. In the course of his misplaced angst--wherein he comes off as being an Olympic level jag-off, presuming nobody likes him b/c a remarkably nice alien keeps hanging around and showing him up—-he’s gone nuts in almost every conceivable fashion. From Doomsday machines to the Oval Office. From Metropolis to Lexor. Luthor has seen it all and done most of it.
Hank Pym is traditionally thought of as a gifted genius who moonlights in creating world-threatening arch-foes. Despite Hank’s heroic legacy he’s most often remembered as the guy who beats his wife (he hit her once). Whether justified or not, Hank gets a bad rap, which tends to get him down until he either goes nuts himself, or builds some clockwork beast to go nuts for him. Everytime the erstwhile Giant-Man has a go at saving the world, or being named Time magazine’s Man of the Year, Ultron crops back up, or he associates his name with a Negative Zone prison. Thus is the lot of Henry Pym, the Rodney Dangerfield of the Marvel U.
The rules of the game are simple. Each player lists some heinous deed or minor misgiving in turn. Those that have done the aforementioned thing must drink, and those that haven’t, don’t.
As two true-to-form mad scientists who have gone on more than one “The World Must Pay for What it Has Wrought” bender, tickets to this contest would sell out in a New York Minute. It would be a tough match to call beforehand as there could be some amount of strategy at play. Lex could sit on “I never built a robot imprinted with my personality that immediately went batshit and attacked all my friends” for late in the game. Or Hank could just start listing executive functions of office and get Lex drunk off of his time as President alone. If Lex’s time in the Silver Age can be held against him, it’ll be hard for him to walk away from the table.
Plus, Hank strikes me as a little bit of a party boy. Sure he went to nerd college, but nerds can party. Hell, Pym was probably building gravity bongs out of toilet paper rolls, an erlenmeyer flask, and irradiated saline by his sophomore year, while Lex was busy in his dorm room cursing Silver Age Superboy for making him bald while pondering how good he’d look in purple and green.
Winner: I give it to Hank “Yellowjacket” Pym, which proves the only fight he can win isn’t against his wife’s jaw.
Ashley J. Williams
Ash Ketchum comes from Pallet Town, where parents are non-entities who ship their kids off as soon as they come of age to play with strange monsters and travel the world unsupervised. These children assert their will over the native fauna, capture them, and make them do battle, like so much anime Michael Vick. Ash is particularly exceptional as the ongoing “main” character in every iteration of the Pocket Monster saga, and is referred to as a Master Trainer. He’s traveled continents and oceans to obsessively chase down baby critters he can pit against strangers in Gym battles, earning badges, and lording his super-special Pikachu over everyone he meets. So special, it also captures the fancy of the ne’er-do-wells over at Team Rocket, even if he never bothered naming the thing. Ash is a tenacious young turk, clearly able to travel and survive on his own all throughout the wilds of whatever planet he comes from, battling legions of supercute, chibi monsters, making friends, and kicking ass.
Ashley J. Williams, college graduate and S-Mart employee went on one ill-fated cabin weekend with his girlfriend, and things have never gotten around to getting better for old Ashley. Apparently these things happen when you stumble across ancient magic tomes in creepy old cabins. After doing battle with deadites, his girlfriend, an old lady in a root cellar, his own hand, a giant tree, and the mysteries of the camera-angle demon, Ash is teleported back in time to the 1300s with his car. Ash has officially been in the shit, and its cost him just about everything he ever remotely enjoyed. Tenacious doesn’t even begin to describe the Herculean endurance Mr. Williams has displayed in the face of demonic hoards of evil dead. Not the sharpest tool in the toolshed; however, fully accomplished at using those tools to fashion a chainsaw arm and straight-up kill you with it. That’s the kind of know-how a few years working Housewares’ll get you.
Ketchum is an able young man, good with animals, bright, well-intentioned if self-centered, and easier to get along with after nine trillion episodes of “One To Grow On”-style episodic life lessons. The only thing the young Ash is bad at, is losing. It’s simply not in his vocabulary. Even if he’s on the ropes he’ll pull through with either his superior ability to compel otherwise innocent creatures to willfully stomp on other, otherwise innocent creatures; or his aforementioned crazy-special Pikachu monster, who will go Hitmonchan on your ass, electrocuting all involved. Not a bad fail safe.
Williams on the other hand is well past a psychotic break, and kicking zombie-ass seems to be the only thing that keeps him rooted at all. He will absolutely take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’… like a time bomb. A shotgun-wielding time bomb that lacks people skills, has lost all hope, and never seems to reload.
I think Mr. Ketchum can give Mr. Williams a run for his money--or whatever they trade for goods and services on Animal Cruelty Planet. He’ll open with Pidgeot and Squirtle, who will subsequently meet the business end of a Remington 12” and grizzly ends in turn.
Next, Charizard is let out of his ball-shaped veal pen to cost Ash an eye and most of the hair on his head. One well-placed lop of a chainsaw later and the fruity-orange dragon’s make-shift tracheotomy ends in tragedy.
Ketchum realizes this isn’t a game anymore, and can only rely on his best friend and “House” Pokemon, Pikachu. The BPOC himself. With Pikachu’s KO record, and steely resolve, things still look good for the boy from Pallet Town. If he’s smart, he’ll go for the stun, and beat feet while he still has some friends left in his Pokedex. Otherwise the delusional, prophecied, Deadite hunter is likely to continue to think this is just another day in the ongoing nightmare that is his life, and put Pikachu, Ash, Misty, Brock, Nurse Nancy, and anyone else who happens by into the cold, cold earth..
Winner: Ash Ketchum can steal a moment to call this a draw, and mourn his friends on the ferry to Johto. If he misses that moment, then it’s all over.
That's all we have time for this week. See you FNF’ers in three weeks when Friday Night Fights: Jab Round 1 kicks off. See the rest of you soon enough with this week in comics.
btw: Fourteen more days until new Avatar!