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| Oct. 26th, 2007 05:37 pm Friday Night Fights: Sucka Punch Round 5 
It’s another one of those weeks where this will be a no-frills entry. Just a fat punch to the dome. So, to make up for it, here’s one of my favorite sucker punches in recent memory.
The Main Event:
Forerunner
versus
Jason Todd
versus
Donna Troy
Now, I’m sure we’re all conflicted about this panel. I mean, shit, someone is about to wipe Jason Todd off the map… again. We’re human, it’s natural to have these feelings.
You know who doesn’t have those feelings -- and doesn't mind sneaking freaky chicks from other earths?
My main girl, Donna “Sucka Punch” Troy:
Honest Abe cries a granite tear everytime he sees two girls fighting.
That’s because she’s a dyed-in-wool hero. A sucka-punching, mean right hook throwing hero.
She hit that freaky space-broad so hard it took two pages to take it all in. More than that, she hit her so hard….
”Awww, I thought she would’ve been a five-skipper.”
She skips across the mother-effin’ Reflecting Pool...
R.I.P. Garden State
And then smashes through New Jersey’s grave!
That’s my girl!
Countdown #45 Written by Paul Dini w/ Jimmy Palmiotti & Justin Gray
Art by J. Calafiore.
Bahlactus only knows how to count down from Ten. It’s all he’s ever needed to count you suckas out!
Current Mood: skipping stones
Opine | |
| Oct. 19th, 2007 05:50 pm Friday Night Fights: Round 4 After a week off boozing it up in the backwoods of Boone, North Cackalacky (home of the Michigan State beating Appalachian Mountaineers!) it’s time to get our shenanigans back on with a little blindsiding entertainment.
What time is it?
Sucka Punch Time!
The Main Event:
The Secret Six
versus
The Birds of Prey
versus
General Kerimov
The Birds of Prey have been sent to Azerbaijan to investigate General Kerimov who has hired the Secret Six to transport an old Rocket’s Red powersuit which happens to hold a resurrected Tora (which is --at least—odd), who Kerimov resurrected and plans on using to influence the superstitious populace.
Truly this was one of the best story arcs in comics ever. It’s already yielded one Sucka Punch for us, but can it really give us two in one issue?!
It’s hard to tell who’s sincere and who’s not in this panel.
After a convoluted series of issues, it seems as if a simple solution is too much to ask for.
Or is it...?
Bullet-punch to the dome, Sucka!!
Enter, Floyd “Deadshot” Lawton, Problem Solver.
Floyd hands out business cards that say: World Class Ass-Kickings, Ten-a-Penny.
This is why Floyd needs to get more play. Contrarily, I’m a little sad to see him back as yetta’nother badguy. The Secret Six was the best cred Floyd had in a while. Yeah, yeah, he IS the Suicide Squad and all that, but I would’ve liked to have seen him left out of it in favor of the S6.
Maybe next Christmas.
Birds of Prey #107 brought to you by Gail Simone and Nicola Scott, Doug Hazlewood.
Poor General Kerimov never saw it coming. You know who always sees it coming? Bahlactus that's who. Go see what he’s got for you.
As you’ve probably guessed there will be no Pop Culture Fight Club until I get my really real writing done. No Dionne Warwick v. Warwick Davis tonight either. Although, truly the humor of that altercation is best spent entirely in the imagination.
Close your eyes with me and believe.
Current Mood: itchin for a fight
2 Opinions - Opine | |
| Oct. 5th, 2007 05:44 pm Friday Night Fights: Sucka Punch - Round Two You need a refresher?
That’s what this is about.
Enjoy the fights.
The Main Event
Katarina “Spy Smasher” Armstrong
versus
Zinda “Lady Blackhawk” Blake
”How you say…? Oh no you di’int.”
Shit, Zinda, you fought mother-effin’ Hitler and shit. Are you gonna take that crap from some no good government spook?
Hawkaaaah, bitch!
Didn't think so. She should've seen it coming. But she didn't.
Birds of Prey #107, penned by Gail Simone, drawed by Nicola Scott, Doug Hazlewood.
Tonight’s card, brought to you in stunning Bahlactus and White.
FYI, Gail Simone is well-versed in the art of the Sucka Punch, as we’ll be seeing over the next couple of weeks.
Middleweight
Eric “The Crow” Draven
versus
Bruce “Batman” Wayne
(For the record, I will be reviewing the Crow a la the movie, as I feel that’s whom everyone is more familiar with and it doesn’t affect my decision. It’s worth noting the Crow in the comic echoes more thematically with the young Bruce Wayne insomuch as they are the victims of random violence.)
Two vengeful spirits set upon their paths by one stark moment of tragedy. The Crow and the Bat have much in common.
Eric Draven was just a young rock musician in love who pissed off the wrong slum lord. He and his wife became the target of fatal tenant harassment. The night before their wedding even. This drives the young man from his grave a year later to wander the earth as the restless dead until his wife and his murders are avenged.
Batman was just a young rich boy with loving and remarkably attentive parents who pissed off the wrong dark alley. His parents became the target of Joe Chill, who iced them for some pearls and whatever cash Tom had on him. Yet, he didn’t have the stomach to finish the job and left a traumatized young man alive to make pre-adolescent leaps in logic about becoming a new Zorro and avenging the murder of his parents.
Both are figures who enjoy inspiring great fear in their so-called victims. Both are completely justified.
Batman cannot hope to take down Draven in a straight-fight, b/c he’s all undead and will just come back from whatever damage is dealt him. Plus he’s, like, Bruce Lee’s son or something. However, if Batman can deduce the thirst that fuels his supernatural vengeance, he will find a sympathetic spirit. In fact, I reckon these two would find little to fight about, and rather, Bruce would be driven to help Eric solve his murder.
Therein lies the issue of means. Eric is an ironic death, Spectre, kind-of guy; whereas Bruce prefers putting them away where they can pay for their crimes by man’s law.
At the end of the day, when T-Bird’s gang have been dealt with --either by the cold embrace of the Crow’s vengeance or at the hands of Batman’s faith in Blind Justice and Jim Gordon-- Eric Draven can finally let his bones rest.
At which point, Batman totally wins by default and dances on that emo kid’s grave!
Winner: Batman.
Feather Weight
Willow Ufgood
versus
Wicket
All Warwick Davis all the time. Which is different than Dionne Warwick. Maybe that will be next week’s fight, Warwick Davis versus Dionne Warwick.
Leprechaun will teach you what friends are for.
Regardless, that’s not this week’s fight. This fight is about what a dwarf in a bear suit can bring to the table against a dwarf wizard-in-training.
Wicket for his diminutive size and youth is actually well regarded among his people as a brave warrior and skilled hunter. Plus he totally gets all the human chicks.
Willow is a brave –if naïve-- little Nelwyn, who has the spark within him to be a great wizard someday. Albeit unpredictably, afterall, he turns a simple troll into a two-headed Eborsisk which doesn't really save the day. He’s far too reliant on Raziel’s wand, but ultimately does show a knack for the mancy by the end.
Even still, this is Wicket’s fight to lose. Even with a lucky shot, Willow is as likely as not to turn Wicket into a far larger and more dangerous critter. Without Madmartigan or Sorscha to bail him out, he’s done.
Lucas’s age-old story of man versus machine—er, man versus oppressive technologically superior magic empire, proves yet again that if you’re determined enough, a stone spear does the trick.
Like the one Wicket uses to break bad on that Nelwyn ass.
Nub, nub, MFers.
Winner: Wicket
Bantam Weight
Flik the Ant
versus
Z the Ant
Flik comes from an ant colony on an “island” which is seasonably terrorized by grasshoppers. He’s a real think outside the box type. Unfortunately, nobody likes a smart-ant. After ruining the yearly offering to the grasshopping bullies, Flik is fixing to be ostracized by his fellows, when he comes up with a Lucy Ricardo-level plan to go find other bugs to beat up their tormentors. Sitcom misunderstandings ensue, but the ants prevail through cleverness and invention which makes the erstwhile loser, Flik into a big hero.
Z similarly is a free-thinking type ant in a more rigid and socially striated colony in Central Park. His respective existential journey is considerably denser than the free-wheelin’ Flik’s comedic appropriation of circus talent. Albeit its just as unlikely that a wussy worker ant would return home like so much prodigal son and blacken the eye of the soldier caste, saving his colony from eradication by militaristic fascism.
The classic tale of Country Ant versus City Ant.
Flik is crafty and self-reliant, albeit naïve. Z is neurotic and self-aware and all-too existential. Both ants come across as a mutant-esque leaps in evolution, Flik with his grasp of tool-making and science; and Z with his patent individualism and role refusal. Flik is altogether handier, but Z has been in the shit at the Battle of Termite Valley. Both serve as inspirations to their respective colonies to usher in new eras of peace and prosperity.
It’s a tough call considering both of these characters are non-combatants who overcome their opponents with means beyond a simple physical joust. In general I’d say Flik is altogether more capable, but it’s difficult to deny that Z overcomes more physical hardships in the course of his travels. On the other hand, Flik takes a pretty severe beating and still mans up to mobilize his people.
Winner: Barring Flik getting his hands on a rubber band, two twigs, and a pop top, this is pretty close to a draw. I have it going ten rounds before some callous and uncaring boot-heel teaches them about the cruelty of nature.
Martin Henley
versus
Cigarettes
Well today marks my two month anniversary for quitting smoking.
So, presumably I already won. I hate the mentality “Once an Addict, Always an Addict” (is there any more dismal a forecast?), but I do appreciate the warning not to speak in absolutes. So, let’s just say after eight rounds, I’m still standing, and they’re still sitting there unsmoked –and, yes, in fact I happen to know where a viable pack of the devilish little cylinders are in my house, and yes, my wife still smokes. I set the difficulty on Heroic just to show off.
For some perspective, I’ve been a two pack a day smoker (average) since I was fifteen years old. Back when cigarettes cost 2$ a pack, gas cost 0.99$ a gallon and Flat Freddies cost two playing cards a bite. That’s over half my life. It’s a humbling number to look at all at once.
At least for the moment, I’m kicking the ass of Big Tobacco with my immeasurable will! Really, the mantra that’s been getting me through is “Not smoking isn’t hard; building a ladder out of chewing gum and my own feces is hard”. So far it’s been working for me, not that I’ve tried building said ladder.
Winner: Marty, the comeback kid.
Current Mood: pinchy
1 Opinion - Opine | |
| Sep. 28th, 2007 05:18 pm Friday Night Fights Round 1: Ding Ding Ding, Bitches! It’s the return of Friday Night Fights! Subtitled: Sucka Punch!!!
Sucka Punch: (suk-ah punsh) (N) To Strike Someone With An Unexpected Blow. Syn: blindside; bushwack; catch unawares; ambush; sneak attack.
Ex. “That balloon-headed candy mascot totally sucka punched Silver Age Brainiac”:
Now that we’ve got the hang of it …
The Main Event:
Thomas “Catman” Blake
versus
Albrecht “Captain Nazi” Krieger
Little Tommy shows us how to beat up a Super-powered Gerry.
Chapter One: Engage and enrage the target.
Chapter Two: Wait for an opening.
Chapter Three: Jam a fistful of syringes into the target's eyeball(s).
Epilogue: Gloat like the dickens. The Ratzi bastard had it coming.
Wow, Blake, and you weren't even a member of the Greatest Generation. With chops like that, you belong in the Injustice Society, not the Secret 6.
I'll bet you and Sportsmaster would get along just fine too. Just stay away from his woman.
Secret Six writ by Gail Simone, scribbled by Dale Eaglesham.
There will come a great darkness, you may call him Bahlactus.
No time for a Pop Culture Fight Club backup feature this week. Tempus Fuckit and all that. But rest assured, now that the Urban Planet-Eater has put out the clarion call, we shall once again witness the mighty and discordant marched onto the field of battle for our amusement.
Please feel free to leave any requests with the gentleman by the door.
New Avatar: The Last Airbender tonight. Watch and learn.
Current Mood: kicky
1 Opinion - Opine | |
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