Malfeas

Happy Memorial Day!!

En Memoriam

Alright, well, I really already handled the two big titles I have problems with. There are other titles I have/had my troubles with, but a lot of them got fixed; are on their way to being fixed; or I simply stopped caring about.

What would I do with Robin? Bring back Spoiler and have it so Leslie took her and hid her in Africa, but she couldn’t stay away, and Batman suspected the whole time, and…. Well, you get the point.

But just to keep fresh, below are a few treatments and thoughts in keeping with theme.

Black Canary/Green Arrow

First, I’d correct that titling mishap. Similarly, I’d correct the story telling.



Truth be told, I’d probably do as much of a disservice to Ollie as the series has for Dinah. I’d force him to drive the motorcycles while Dinah kicks crime in the face.

My story would be about what happens when Lady Shiva or similar ichi ban badass comes for Canary. Ollie thinks he has something to say and almost gets himself broke in two while Canary saves the day.

The problem with this book so far is Winnick seems to think Ollie is Jesse Custer and Canary is Tulip (a capable young lady and all, but not cut out for the really rough work and ultimately to be protected).

I hate to break it to this mindless cowboy-fest but Ollie is the Tulip in this relationship. Canary just lets him think he’s Jesse.



What happens when Ollie realizes his wife humors him constantly? I would try not to be vindictive per se, I like Ollie enough. He's just so far below Dinah on the equivalent badass scale that he's just in her way. She knows it makes him happy to be all alpha male and protective, so she lets him have it.

But when the shit comes down and the League of Assassins come back for her, it’s time for Dinah to throw Ollie to the ground and keep him safe while Mommy takes care of business.



B/c that’s how Mommy rolls.

Ollie would have to come to grips with the fact that he’s second fiddle in this relationship. If people were actually digging it, I’d write a follow up where Ollie quits the hero game (temporarily) b/c he’s emasculated and lost his edge.

I would pair Dinah and Roy or Connor together for a story, but in the end Dinah comes back to slap her husband out of it. She married him so they could do the big-fun adventuring. Together. If his head is so far up his ass that her balls are bigger than his, than maybe they don’t know each other so well afterall. Ollie is forced to admit he’s always known about her balls... it’s just never been so obvious before.

They get over it together and whoever’s next on the book can tell whatever story they want, b/c it will be right there in front of God and everybody that Ollie isn’t half the woman, Dinah is.



Flash

I hear this is up for cancellation, which is a real shame. I’d like to help, but the Flash is one of my blindspots.



I love him as a character, but my brain isn’t wired to tell more than maybe one good Flash story. If that.

Let’s face it, the Flash is either far too powerful, or far too limited depending on his scope at any given moment. I dig all the Speed Force stuff, but it makes Wally a real bear to write.

Everything that’s going to be said with Flash has already been said and said well. It might be time to give him some time off from his own title and come back when someone really has something to say.

I can tell you what won’t work: bringing Barry back. This isn’t going to put the shine back on the apple, it can only wear it down further. We’ve already played musical Flashes once this year. That’s not the trick.

The trick is approaching the character with something to say for yourself, a la Waid’s original run or Johns’ recent run highlighting the Rogues. With both of those in recent memory, I would just be trying to bottle lightning, and I hear that’s ill advised.

If DC insisted, I would bring Impulse back to life, kill Barry (again) and regress Wally’s children back to infants. That'd learn'em.

Why are comics so afraid of babies and children anyways? I swear.



Supergirl

I just don’t know.



I understand Puckett is winning people over, which I find easy to believe. Puckett is very good at what he does. Even still, I don’t regret dropping the title.

If I were to try my hand at it, I would probably screw it up. I can appreciate how Joe Kelly approached the series, but we saw how that turned out.

I would like to see more stories along the lines of her Amazon’s Attack tie-in. She’s not the best hero but she’s trying. Also, I’d let her remember her run with the Legion, b/c it was formative and a good story.

Also, I'd get some super-pets up in this hizzy. Stat.

I would throw Linda Danvers in there for a story-arc. Linda could teach Kara some of the lessons she had to learn the hard way. That is, if DC is over hating PAD enough to admit Linda was really cool even if she had a zany origin.



Aquaman

Another hard one.



I definitely think Aquaman deserves to be fixed, but I understand why it proves so difficult. It’s hard to make readers give a crap about life under the sea. For the same reason it’s hard to sell a space book or a magic book. Most of your hook is gone.

As a real world person I can’t relate to the daily transpirings of under sea life. By heaping a magic kingdom on the character, you’ve just made two niche books out of one.

Which is why I totally appreciate the Sub-Diego storyline. It was a great hook, but apparently didn’t sell. Faced with the option of bowing out gracefully, DC chose the worser of two paths.

Let’s not spare Busiek the blame of pitching something so out of left field in the first place. DC should have let Busiek tell some Earth 8 story about Arthur Q. Mullet instead.



On a separate but equal topic: The real surprise to me about the rebirth of the Multiverse is they’ve done nothing with it. Elseworlds made more use of a non-existent Multiverse than DC has with an honest to gosh, living, breathing 52 worlds.

You brought’em back, so use’em. Put out a “Tales of the Multiverse” series a la JLA/JSA Confidential. Let’s get freaky with some other worlds instead of just blowing them up. Maybe if some decent stories were told, people would actually care when they blew up.

With all the Kingdom Come nonsense in JSA, and Power Girl going back to Earth 2, maybe, just maybe we can get some division of labor between Earths again. Or maybe Johns is the only one who knows what the fuck is going on and thus is the only one comfortable using these made up worlds.

What was I talking about… oh, right, Aquaman!

So, yeah, the real Aquaman needs to return, and go back to Sub Diego. He’s got an awesome supporting cast and all the history he needs. But really, it’s okay if he doesn’t carry his own book for awhile. Just have him hanging out ready to use in the JLA or Batman and the Outsiders or something.

In a couple of years when some bright-eyed turk comes up with a decent pitch, he can try again with the real Aquaman. Not this Earth 8 nonsense.



X-Men

It’ll take its own week for me to fix what’s wrong in the X-universe.

Short of the obvious reboot needed.



But color me thinking about it.

We ain't done with you mutha's yet!

Brought to you by another adorable duet from the past year in DC Comics: A Great Moment in Motherhood!

Before Black Canary got married, she was a person. No seriously, she had her own motivations and desires and everything.

It was cute.

Among those displays of weakness was the urge to turn something broken and ugly….


“Sister, I don’t understand, no one gets hurt in this game. How do you know who wins?”

Into something beautiful and filled with joy.


“I see now, no one has to die. It is… how you say, Solitaire.”

Mission accomplished.

Shit that only took, like, one issue. Now what?

I mean, we all know that Ollie isn’t great with kids, tweens, teens, young adults or adults, really. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll be able to think of something to do with the noisome little pest, afterall, nothing’s too good for his lady.

She’s going to need her hands free to steer the motorcycles while he’s chasing all over the globe after his kid’s killer…. Hey! Maybe Connor still has the phone number to that monastery.

I wasn’t even going to review comics this week b/c I’m feeling the burn of lots of deadlines crowded into a little space. For which I’ll ask for all of your patience in the next few weeks.

But tell you what, b/c I love you all, and I could use the quick distraction here’s a few half-formed thoughts.

Yeah, and I'd been doing so good lately getting my reviews out. Well, I had other -more payey- deadlines over the weekend. Bite me, fanboy.