Malfeas - Marty's First Day of School

Location: Comic Book Writing Class

Marty: Alright class, today we’re going to be looking at taking over a series as a new writer. Now, as our first example I want you all to pull out Tomasi’s run on Nightwing and turn to page--
Student #1: Rad!!
Marty: W-what? What’s rad?
Student #1: He’s skydiving! Skydiving is rad.
Marty: No. No, that’s not rad. Being an acrobat/vigilante, that’s what’s rad. This is just some illogical rich-boy hobby.
Student #2: Yeah, that’s what Batman is saying, but Nightwing is all, “shut up, you” and Robin is all “Yeah, shut up”
Marty: Batman is his dad and he has a point, and we’re not here to discuss what a moon-eyed girl Tomasi made Tim--
Student #3: Handgliders! Awesome!
Student #2: Where?!
Marty: … handgliders aren’t that awesome.
Student #2: Says you, man.
Student #3: Yeah dude, what’s wrong with you?
Marty: Alright class, settle down, we’re already off track. This lesson is how not to take over a book, not to--
Student #1: I didn’t know Nightwing was in the JSA?
Marty: He’s not!!!
Student #1: …
Student #2: …
Student #3: … dude.
Marty: I’m sorry class, if we can just--
Student #1: I am soooo telling my mom you yelled at us.
Marty: Okay, there’s no reason to get mothers involved, but we are getting ahead of ourselves and Nightwing is absolutely not in the JSA.
Student #2: Right here next to the black Green Lantern: JSA.
Marty: (sigh) Honestly, I don’t think Nightwing knows John Stewart or the JSA well enough to have them over socially, letalone--
Student #3: Who’s the girl?
STudent #2: She seems nice.
Marty: She’s nobody!!
Student #3: …
Student #1: … dude you are so fired.
Marty: I’m a volunteer. Now sit down and shut up, and if anyone mentions the librarian again, no one will find you. You hear me. No one.
Student #2: Wow. Relax.
Student #3: The JSA would find us.
Marty: ….
Student #3: With Nightwing’s help.
Marty: … Shut up. You all think this Nightwing is cool huh?
Student #1: … I mean, yeah.
Student #2: So far.
Student #3: If I say I hate it do I get extra credit?
Marty: No. … maybe.
Student #2: Give me one reason this isn’t awesome?
Marty: He frickin' steals the Batplane.
Student #1: He doesn’t steal it. He borrows it. He left a note.
Marty: Oh yeah, a note makes it alright. I sure hope Batman doesn’t have any important JLA business saving the moon or whatever he uses the damn plane for just b/c Dick couldn’t dig into his own pocket and charter his own goddamn plane.
Student #2: I don’t think you should be cursing.
Student #1: Batman tells him he can have it.
Marty: Where does he tell him that?
Student #1: Right here while Nightwing is handgliding alongside his limo and thanking him for buying all those buildings for him. Batman says he'll help anytime.
Marty: That doesn't mean he can just-- wait, he’s having a conversation from a handglider... to a moving car?
Student #2: Awesome.
Marty: No, not awesome. It’s retardiculous! There is no part of that which remotely makes--
Student #2: You shouldn’t call things retarded, dude. That’s not cool.
Student #3: Boss! He’s got webshooters!
Student #1 and #2: Where?!
Marty: He does not have web shooters!
Student #3: I’m looking right at ‘em dude.
Marty: Do you want that extra credit or not?
Student #3: Oh right, I mean, I hate—awesome!
Marty: (sigh)
Student #1: Nightwing is really funny. I didn’t know he was this funny.
Marty: That’s because Tomasi is writing Spider-man.
Student #2: This guy writes Spider-man too? Cool, I hear Spider-man is finally good again.
Marty: You’re not allowed to talk for the rest of the class.
Student #2: Aw man.
Marty: No, Tomasi isn’t writing the title Spider-man, he’s writing Nightwing as Spider-man.
Student #3: Wait, Spider-man is dressed up as Nightwing?
Marty: Yes—no, Tomasi is dressing Nightwing up as if he was Spider-man.
Student #1: You’re not making any sense dude.
Student #3: Who would win in a fight between Nightwing and Spider-man?
Marty: We’re getting off track—How much time does Nightwing have?
Student #3: What?
Marty: Does Nightwing see it coming? What are your fight parameters?
Student #3: Parawhats? I don’t know. They fight?
Marty: Hrm… that’s a pretty good fight…(whispers unknowable geek-math) Probably Spider-man, straight up.
Student #2: No way, man, Nightwing would just handglide away.
Marty: You’re talking again. We talked about that. Nightwing couldn’t just handglide away. Handgliders are bulky, clumsy contraptions.
Student #1: Nuh-uh, right here he summons it from his secret base and it flies right to him.
Marty: Oh fuck you, give me that. (flips through comic)
Student #1: …
Student #2: …
Student #3: …
Marty: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Student #1: … dude.
Marty: What?!
Student #1: You’re dropping eff bombs, man.
Marty: Oh yeah? I stand by it, do you see this?
Student #3: Dude, I’m 12.
Marty: He summons a handglider? That is the height of retarded.
Student #2: I still don’t think you should--
Marty: It’s okay to call retarded things retarded.
Student #2: I don’t think that’s true--
Marty: He flies a handglider into a fucking subway?! What the fuck even is this? Is this some sort of a fucking joke? It’s not bad enough there’s fucking girlfriends out of nowhere, shit dialogue, retarded through-lines and all these anti-acrobatic stupid fucking hobbies, he’s flying a handglider through a fucking tunnel!! Fucking really?! And you like this do you?!
Student #1: …
Student #2: …
Student #3: …I’m scared.
Marty: Do you?!
Student #1: …kind of.
Marty: There’s no updraft in a fucking subway tunnel.
Student #1: I don’t care. It’s boss.
Student #2: … There’re no people from Krypton either.
Marty: There is still an expected baseline of realism in the medium you’re expected to maintain, goddamnit! And this breaks every single fucking one. Oh, but everybody thinks this hackneyed piece of shit is the best Nightwing they’re ever going to get just b/c this dude wrote some go-nowhere piece of crap about Black Adam. I mean, fuck!
Student #3: I read Black Adam, it was--
Marty: FUCK!!!
Student #1: I think I hear my mom… outside… away from you… calling the cops.
Student #2: You think too much about comics, man.
Marty: It’s my job to think about comics too much.
Student #3: I thought you worked for some geotechnical company or something.
Student #2: Yeah dude, this is just what you do when you’re not working.
Marty: Class dismissed.
Student #3: Can I still get that extra credit?
Marty: Are you going to say you hate Tomasi’s Nightwing?
Student #3: No way dude, this Nightwing is awesome.
Marty: Get. Out.