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Malfeas - Friday Night Fights Round 10: Uppercut
| Aug. 24th, 2007 04:23 pm Friday Night Fights Round 10: Uppercut The Main Event
In honor of Illyana's return -no matter how dubious- and the inevitability of Joe Q calling me to offer me scads of work making her famous again. I present to you the following bout of ass-kickery which is just one of many reasons to chalk my avatar up as King of the Ring.
Li’l Illyana Nikolovna Rasputin
versus
Cat
Standby for your daily dose of Claremont in 3…2…1…
Winner! The Russian ‘tween in the sabretooth-hide singlet!
You think you’re hardcore? Try killing your BFF with your bare hands before your first period.
That’s hardcore.
I like my fights like I like my coffee. Hosted by Bahlactus.
Now, everybody: Pop Culture Fight Club!
Heavyweight
Big Barda with Mega Rod
versus
Kalibak the Cruel with Beta Club
Battle of the Fourth World Kirby-Tech! Where every sentence ends with at least one exclamation point!! En celebrance of DC deciding it’s better to kill off the Fourth World then let them possibly be misused sometime in the future!! This one’s for you, Jack!
I figure it’s about time Kalibak fought someone other than Orion! Or something other than sit around resenting Orion!
Big Barda is big! No, bigger than that! Taller than most of her superheroic peers save Elasti-girl (which is barely a fair comparison) and at least as strong as Wonder Woman! Forged in the Firepits of Apokolips and tempered by Granny Goodness herself, Big Barda was destined to inherit leadership of the Female Furies!! No man on Earth could hope to tame or challenge Barda! However, a shaved, sickly exchange student from New Genesis might steal her heart! Yes, brought low by Cupid’s arrow as readily as if fletched by Kanto himself. Barda has eyes for none other than Scott Free, Mister Miracle!! So much so that she forsakes Apokolips to steal away with her man and pursue a simple life with her master escapist husband and their diminutive manager, Oberon!
Kalibak! Kalibak is first born to Darkseid and Sulli! Kalibak is a champion to Apokolips and the cause of much suffering and hardship! All who gaze upon him know fear! Surely you have heard of Kalibak the Cruel in whatever Hunger Dog hovel you have crawled from! Despite Kalibak’s loyalty and achievements in the name of malevolence and malfeasance, still Darkseid’s attention favors that cast-out bastard Orion! Orion!!!
We have seen with our own eyes that Kalibak is more than a match for Orion!! Yet who should we favor in a fight between two natural born Apokolipsians?!! Barda the traitor?! Barda the turncoat!?! Barda the coward?! Or Kalibak loyal son of Apokolips and heir apparent to the throne of Darkseid!?!
Barda, totally!
Winner: Barda would manhandle Kalibak and send him back in pieces to his father!!!!
Middleweight
Madmartigan
versus
Mad Max
Madmartigan is a drunken rogue and master swordsman who is disgraced from his Order and left to rot in a cage as a warning to passers-by. Not the most responsible member of the armed services, even his fellows wouldn’t release him from certain death to fight the armies of Nokmar with them. Despite this dubious reputation, a Nelwyn named Willow frees him and gives him a chance to right his course. He inevitably stumbles and fails several times before incidentally embracing destiny by just being great at killing stuff. Thanks to falling in ensorcelled love with Sorsha the daughter of the evil Bavmorda he saves the day and successfully survives Elora Danan so she can grow up to be a sainted Empress.
Maxwell Rockatansky served on the Australian Main Force Patrol after Oil riots threw the country into a post-apocalyptic proto-society that revolves around gas and bullets. Once happily married with child, tragedy inevitably struck robbing him of his partner and family because law enforcement officers should just be moody loners who live on the edge. He spends the better portion of the rest of his life traveling through the Outback looking for gas and killing bemowhawked young turks who harass simple oil refiners. Eventually he gets all messianic after being kicked out of Bartertown by Aunty Entity for refusing to kill the water-headed Blaster in Thunderdome. Which, as we all know is the only law in Bartertown. He saves some kids and roams the desert looking for the next ass to kick.
Both combatants are hardened men who shirk responsibility or earthly ties and are only friend to the road. Despite these grim exteriors they have hearts of gold and are shoe-ins to save any day what needs it. Since bullets are hard to come by in future Australia, Officer Rockansky’s proficiency with firearms will be considered null in this fight. However, both men are skilled at staying alive by killing all challengers with any weapon available.
Two men enter. One man leave.
This is a tough one. Bartertown odds should go to the whiz with the blade, Madmartigan. But Mad Max has endured significantly more crap. I mean, Madmartigan is seen locked in a cage when we meet him, Brownies get the drop on him when he stops to take a wee, not to mention the same Franjean and Rool bop him on the nose with a bag of Broken Hearts and next thing you know the swordsman is all stumbling drunk (albeit, still quite adept with a blade).
Max isn’t infallible, certainly, but you never see him get snuck while having a slash.
Winner: Mad Max for the disarm and put down.
Although, I will note that he will refuse to kill Madmartigan once he discovers that he’s just Val Kilmer fucking around in some armor. This inevitably gets him cast out into the Australian desert in a shame mask yet again. It’s his lot in life.
Lightweight
Penrod “Hong Kong Phooey” Pooch
versus
Benjamin Sherman “Scatman” Crothers
Because you demanded it!! Well, one of you did.
Hong Kong Phooey is an anthropomorphic dog in an otherwise human city. Despite this, no one can ascertain that he and the anthropomorphic dog janitor that works at the Police Station are, in fact, the same guy. Regardless, whenever a call comes through to the love-struck Rosemary, Penry would overhear her telling Sergeant Flint the score and he would spring into action.. or the filing cabinet. Who would emerge but Hong Kong Phooey?! Dropping in the Phooeymobile and heading for danger!
Scatman Crothers came into this world in 1910, a born performer. Musician, dancer, singer, DJ, actor, voice talent, et alia. You name it, Scatman was on it. He was a drummer in a speakeasy band at just 15, shortly before forming his own band and going on the road. He danced for a Duke Ellington short and decided he wanted to try acting on for size. With a wink and a smile and a pocket full of magic was Scatman Crothers.
Hong Kong Phooey, for all the acclaim he got, was largely a do-nothing, hep-talking cat who was as much a public danger as any sort of superhero. Inevitably tripping over himself, the self-proclaimed Gung-Fu master would typically get himself into dire straights and leave the crime solving to his loyal cat Spot. Only to take all the credit later. Just like a weed-smoking dog. You didn’t know he smoked weed? He would “Bong the Gong” and change his car into a boat? Straight up stoner shit right there.
Scatman on the other hand was an earnest entertainer of the hardest working school in show business. A generation that would make 16 films a month for a Hershey bar and a war bond. Sure he would later rely on Jack Nicholson to support his valleying career, but from a teenage boy in a speakeasy to TV’s lovable Jazz the jive-talking Transformer, Scatman was always tops. Such a hardworking Hollywood luminary that he is only two degrees separated from Kevin Bacon*.
Even with the straight shot of respect that we must give Scatman Crothers, he has no physical training outside the theatre and dance steps we’ve seen him perform. Even if he is a clumsy, worthless hop-head, Hong Kong Phooey can probably kick poor Scatman’s bony behind around in a street fight. Our only hope is that he trips over his own shoelaces and requires Spot to come to his rescue which immediately breaks the “no help” code of our little fight club, freeing Jack Nicholson to tag in and mop up the dog, cat, paparazzi and anyone he feels is looking at him funny.
Winner: Hong Kong Phooey, since he doesn’t wear shoes, it’s unlikely he’ll trip over his shoelaces. It’s possible, but not enough to prognosticate a win in Scatman’s favor.
Special thanks to Weaver42 for this last fight which was just too weird to not do.
*Mama says show your work: Scatman Crothers was in The Journey of Natty Gann with Gabrielle Rose; Gabrielle Rose was in Where the Truth Lies with Kevin Bacon.
Bantam Weight
MORTAL COMBAT!!!!!
Current Mood: bitey
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Comments:
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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| Date: | August 25th, 2007 12:33 pm (UTC) |
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I caution you not to forget that Scatman may have "The Shine," as evidenced in Kubrick's The Shining.
Which means he could make Hong Kong Phooey see elevators full of blood, creepy little girls, and talking pinky fingers.
And then Hong Kong Phooey would trip over a lamp and break it over Scatman's shiny dome.
But still! The Shine!
-- Chuck
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